toastmasterjokes

20 years ago we had johnny cash, bob hope and steve jobs Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs Please let Kevin Bacon live forever. Every time I order a cheeseburger I make it a double. So a vegan out there isn't making a difference. knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

I met up with an old army veteran today and amongst many questions asked him, someone did ask; “have you ever killed someone”? He looked at me and towards the person with a tear in his eye and softly said - “I am responsible for much pain and suffering and no doubt yes people have met a sad ending due to my actions”. He said it was something that came with the job and the training he received prepared him well for the misery he left behind. It was at that point the young man asked him - excuse me sir but were you special forces? He looked at me confused, and turned to the young man and said ‘no lad I was Army Catering Corps.’ 😁😁

Johnny's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the Doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Madam, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were not the best at birth and had to be Christened immediately, so your brother Johnny came in and named them". The woman thinks to herself, " Oh no, not my brother, "What a waste of space he is"... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?". " Denise". says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought...."I really like Denise ". Then she asks, "What name did he give my son?" The doctor replies " Denephew".

JOKE: Jay Leno's Favorite Joke A man is in a hospital, and he’s hanging in traction. Every bone is broken. He’s bandaged from head to toe, looks like a mummy—except for one little opening near his left eye. Everything else is bandaged, except for this one little slit. Doctor walks in, looks him in the face and says, "I don’t like the look of that eye."

1. "Dairy Queen is selling something called the Cheesecake Blizzard. It's a pound of ice cream with chunks of cheesecake in it. We have now reached the point where cheesecake is merely an ingredient." 2. "How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?" 3. "Marriage is grand. Divorce is about 20 grand." 4. "Show business is like champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it every day." 5. "With high-definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion." 6. "It was so cold, Taylor Swift built a snowman—then dumped him and wrote a song about it." https://parade.com/473370/lindsaylowe/happy-birthday-jay-leno-13-of-his-funniest-jokes/ 7. On working on cars himself: “"When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking." 8. "How many watched the